just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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