Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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