I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
