We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
