I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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