Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
birth control should be required to get into college
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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