I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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