you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
