Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
