i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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