Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
