On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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