I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Every concussion has its silver lining
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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