at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
