so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
