I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
