he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
