there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
