I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There r osticjed everywhere
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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