I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
