hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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