i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
