Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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