Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
