Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize