When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
