OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
