I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
