apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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