Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
