i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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