Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
