You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
