see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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