one two three fourrrrnication!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
