My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
