just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
