I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
