lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
