I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
