I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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