three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
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