if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
