Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
