Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
