i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize