I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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