I haven't been this sober since birth.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
