I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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