seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
