dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
