My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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