i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
