I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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